Medal, medal!! Gimme, gimme!!

My name is Pat Narcked, I am a 30 stone taekwondo instructor and I like nothing more than collecting medals from tournaments, even if I have no opponents in my weight category, which is highly probable. I like to think I am blooming brilliant at Taekwondo and at the rank of 2 3/4 dan I reckon I am just excellent at what I do. Of course all my students are brilliant as well and have so far won, um, about, 3 medals.

Here are a few of the medals I've won by being the only competitor in my category. Its so much easier than having to puff myself out jumping, running around and hitting an opponent. One of my favourite sayings is If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Thats pretty much the core foundation of the GUTD - Generally Useless Taekwondo Dumbo's.

This is Master Lou Goldumb, he is a 20 1/8 degree black belt. Training with him is a rather unique experience, since he weighs about the same as an overweight hippo. He loves gradings and packs about 700 students into halls designed for 300 and charges ridiculously inflated prices for teaching stuff you could learn from a kiddies taekwondo book.

We train as often as we can squeeze ourselves out of our cars, which can be quite erratic due to the fire brigade getting a bit uppity, as they have now been called to cut me out of my car five times a week so far.

We are blooming brilliant though and excel at going out and eating restaurants out of house and home. So join up now for a really expensive training session where you'll learn absolutely nothing you couldn't have got from a Jackie Chan movie!